After Saturday night’s further embarrassment of Britain’s Eurovision attempt, it could be time for a Brexit.
You could argue that a Eurovision Brexit is long overdue. “UK does badly at Eurovision” doesn’t even make news anymore. It’s just a consideration of how badly we managed to do this year. And for those interested, Electro Velvet finished fourth-bottom.
Eur NO vision
They should have just cut to the chase and named ‘I’m Still in Love with You’ as ‘We’re still crap at Eurovision’ – maybe it would have done slightly better as some countries would take pity on us instead of having an agenda against our act from the moment they walk onto the stage.
But did anyone take notice? Did anyone’s heart break when it happened? No, because decades of disappointment have made it a tradition within our nation. There’s going to be more surprise when the England Football Team get knocked out of next year’s European Championships, and when Scotland fail to qualify.
Eurovision would be better off without us. Even Ireland have given up on us – they didn’t give us any points on Saturday, and nor did any other country than France, Austria and Germany. Instead, a Swedish man in leather trousers won – and that sums up Eurovision. Leather trousers have never been fashionable.
Clearly, Europe doesn’t want us in Eurovision. And judging by our recent performances, we probably don’t deserve to be in Eurovision. Not since 1997 when we won with Katrina and the Waves and ‘Love Shine a Light’. And you already know that song, don’t you. At least you will once you hear it, because it’s memorable.
But much like David Cameron hoping to use the Brexit as a threat to force through widespread EU reform, LUXE Models are still holding out hope that all isn’t lost. In fact, with a few small changes, we could win back our place in Eurovision. Whisper it, but we might even prosper. Fortunately for you, we already know what these changes should be.
- Bring back a Song for Europe – this year, Electro Velvet was chosen in private. The rest of Europe choose their own song, so why don’t we do that? We might still pick Electric Violet… Electro Velvet or whatever. But then at least it’s our choice! It’s an important distinction – think back to when England got knocked out of the World Cup – who’s to blame? The manager.
- Announce our entry properly – this year, the BBC squeaked out its Eurovision announcement in the most humiliating way possible, via a red button broadcast. Nobody intentionally uses the red button. It would have got more coverage on Teletext. Just put it on normal telly like every other country.
- Take part in the semis – the UK is one of the “big five” countries that receive automatic qualification through to the final because they donate so much money to the competition. Knowing this, no wonder nobody votes for us. Let’s earn back everyone’s respect by fighting through the semi-finals like everyone else. Best case scenario: we try harder and start entering memorable songs again. Worst case scenario: we’re eliminated during the semi-finals and have no reason to watch the final. Which, to be fair, is also actually a bit of a best-case scenario.
- Don’t enter a rubbish song – this one speaks for itself, although it deserves an explanation. These aren’t big changes, but they would help us to regain some national pride. We can reclaim Europe’s love for us again – surely better than a Brexit? Maybe we could let Gary Barlow represent us next year? If we’re going down, we may as well take Europe with us.
So we all know Brits hate losing, but we’re also so used to it in Eurovision. But Andy Murray won Wimbledon, so it proves that it’s never too late to turn things around. I mean, this year was only our 18th consecutive failure, so we can probably withstand a few more before we start doing well again. But let’s give it a go next year and try and win Europe’s votes back, right?
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